Hope Springs Eternal?

It's almost the end of February and not a spring-like forecast in sight. It seems like since they came up with the name "Polar Vortex" Mother Nature was so pleased she's letting it stick around a little longer. I haven't ridden or even seen my horse in over a month. I have settled into my mid-winter funk and have no intention of getting out of it until the thermometer reads well above zero (Celsius, that is). A couple of weeks ago I did hear a cardinal calling one morning and my heart leapt but the poor old thing must have retreated back into our cedar hedge because I haven't heard a peep since. Georgian Bay has been frozen solid for the first time since we moved here and although it opened because of the winds the other day it is ice-covered again this morning. I have also had to keep the house show-ready every week as we still haven't sold after six months on the market.  My Other Half is away for two weeks at a boat show and I think it is because he was around for most of January that I am finding it so hard to cope without him, of course the boys schedules are crazy and I spend far too much time driving back and forth to the ski hill which is resulting in a formidable gas bill. My Dad, as usual, has stepped in to help out and I will get a break on Thursday night and Friday when I am at our ski club's Ladies Day.

But I have been having a tough time coming up with good things to think about lately (especially as Downton Abbey has finished for another season) and have even tried writing them down when I do but it hasn't helped much. So this is what I have come up with thus far:

• We all are in bed by 9:30pm most nights, that means lights out for the 11, 13 and 15 year old as well as my Other Half and I pretty much all at the same time. No. 2 Son always pushes it and wants to watch TV or read and now that we have finally weaned them off of us lying with them every night he can read a little after we shut our door. I used to consider myself a night owl but maybe that was only in relation to the morning person I sleep with. Now if I am up past ten I am a basket case in the morning. I really do believe that every hour before midnight counts as double. Boring but hopefully rather virtuous.

• I have pretty much given up drinking as the combination of staying up late and having even two glasses of wine is lethal. Also, we have entered the era of having to drive our teenagers to and from movies and parties at all hours, although last weekend No. 1 Son took a cab home at midnight which, while costly, was worth me not having to get out of bed to retrieve him. I also have lost all my sense of taste since getting sick over a month ago so I can't even enjoy a good red anymore. Unfortunately this hasn't carried over into eating as I keep cooking things like rice pudding or chocolate chip cookies to see if I can taste them. I have also stopped drinking coffee and now am a green tea granny. Again, it was the fact that after getting sick I suddenly couldn't stand the taste of coffee but I still miss it.

• We have been consistent in one area with the boys - all screens stay on the kitchen counter at night. No one, including myself and my OH have their phones in our rooms at night. Again, No. 2 is the hardest to police and No. 1 does have his computer in his room but he is so tired at the end of a day of training, dry land and classes that he can barely keep his eyes open and is often the first to put himself to bed.

• I cook and we eat homemade meals 90% of the time and when we do go out it is to places that don't serve prepackaged meals. Our only fast food foray might be to Tim Horton's as a last resort. The boys, for the most part (No. 2 is again the challenge, no surprise) make healthy snacks after school and pack their own lunches every morning. We go through more eggs, bacon and tuna than is prescribed in the food pyramid but I make complete dinners and always have cut up veggies on the table. They all complain from time to time but I refuse to act as short order cook and prepare separate meals according to their whims. I am also forcing encouraging them to cook more things other than just breakfast or Kraft Dinner on their own.

So that's it, my list of good things for now. There are plenty of other things I would like to be able to add such as less yelling by everyone on the house, getting more exercise and finding something that excites me outside of the house. In the meantime I am spending too much time on line and watching reruns of the Gilmore Girls. 

Is this the Road to Pyeongchang?

We've had a tough go of it since Christmas. We're on Snow Day number seven and it doesn't look good for school tomorrow. The Arctic Vortex has had us in its icy grip for three weeks and with windchill temperatures in the -30C range. Buses haven't just been cancelled, the school has actually been closed for four day which hardly ever happens. My Other Half's drive to and from work has been a constant white-knuckler and I'm starting to understand why No.1 Son is in no rush to get his licence since turning 16 at the beginning of the month. The number of cars we've seen in ditches and spinning around in circles is enough to put anyone off from driving.

The front of our manufacturing plant, they've had to dig out the two doors to get in every morning.

But there has been some good times too despite all the wintery weather as we are, first and foremost, a ski family after all and the snow on the hills has been amazing.

No. 1 Son had a top ten finish in his first race over Christmas and then was discouraged by his results in the next two but that made his third place finish last weekend all the sweeter. He has worked so hard, both on the hill and off and no one deserved it more. He has another race tomorrow and is then off to Lake Placid on Sunday for some more training and then back for a CanAM series so fingers crossed.

Ben (on the right)

No. 2 Son has had and has been a bit of a challenge, to say the least, after coming second in his first race he had a set back, fracturing his T1 vertebrae over Christmas so he was off for three weeks but came back strong and finished in the top ten in his second race. At home it's been even more challenging as he approaches his 14th birthday. He is the master debater in our house and I can only hope he finds a career that rewards his verbal dexterity and single-mindedness. In the meantime he has been fortunate enough to spend lots of time with his grandfather who has infinite patience and gives him the attention he so craves.

Cam (on the right)

No. 3 Son trucks along at his own break-neck pace, still hating school and loving every moment outside whether on the hill, across the street at our neighbours backyard skating rink or mini terrain park. If and when we ever sell this house (and I'm not holding my breath with our evermore frustratingly-full-of-excuses real estate agents) he will miss his gang of like-minded boys in the neighbourhood. After conquering his fear that his torn ACL would hold him back he also had a disappointing first race which was a good wake up call for the boy who is used to winning everything. And he did come second in the latest race and is looking forward to his next one on Friday.

Griff (third from the left)

I hope the Arctic Vortex heads back up north soon, the dog and I are tired of being stuck inside and he really doesn't appreciate the snow up to his chest when he has to go outside and lift his leg. Now I'm off to the high school to do course selection with No. 3 and not quite sure how it is possible to have two almost high school age sons. No. 1 is the same age as I was when I met his father but no girls in his life (that I know of) so far which I guess is not a bad thing as his sights are set much higher than placing in a few races on the Niagara Escarpment. Maybe this is the road to Pyeongchang.

It's the most difficult time of the year

I know that's a real downer of a post title but sometimes it feels that way. So much to do, all crammed into a month. It is as if we save up everything for Christmas, all the get togethers, gift giving, card sending and family time instead of spreading it out over the whole year. And the stress of spending too much money, eating too much food, drinking too much wine and getting too little sleep explodes all at once in a geyser of twinkle lights, reindeer and Holiday-themed made-for-TV movies.

I go into a pre-Christmas funk every year. It starts with all the ads on TV and the spreads in magazines about entertaining for the holidays (I hate saying holidays, we celebrate Christmas and so do all the people making the ads and spreads judging by the copious amounts of tinsel and pine boughs in them). It seems like everyone else is invited to a myriad of glittering parties that require new outfits and beautifully wrapped gifts and getting one's hair done. Not in my world.

I am waffling on whether to throw another Winter Solstice party, actually we had an "End of the World, So Say the Mayans" party last year and it was great fun. It lasted until 3am and all I did was fire up the fondue pot and the chocolate fountain. This year the Solstice is on Saturday, December 21st and I'm worried that there might be a lot of other parties that people are going to that night, parties that we aren't invited to (sorry, that's my pathetic voice coming out). It's just that the calendar is looking a little bare right now but maybe other people are waffling like me.

And being the child of divorced parents always makes for challenges. This year my sister heads west to Calgary to be with her in-laws and my brother is in Victoria and neither of our parents have ever gone out for Christmas for some reason. My Dad has a fiancée and that in itself makes things even more complicated, some of her family is here and they don't seem to be much for making plans in advance or including others which is fine but I can't imagine my Dad not being with his grandsons on at least part of Christmas Eve, morning or night. My Mum will be with us and Dad knows this and seems okay but I don't know about his fiancée. Hopefully they can work it out, I'm not getting involved, I just ordered a big turkey and will hope for the best. The boys will be chomping at the bit to hit the slopes on Boxing Day and then ski season beings in earnest with early mornings and lots of running from race to race. And to add to the general chaos, boat show season also kicks in right after New Years so my Other Half will be away for weeks at a time.

Sorry, this really has become a pity party, I always seem to have to get it out of my system before I dive head long into the fray. I've started my Christmas shopping and I am going down to the city for a dinner with my high school friends which should be fun even if it's on a Tuesday night and everyone has to go to work in the morning (there's that pathetic voice again). And I am joining S. in Florida on Saturday for  four days and although most of it is business I found a great deal on a lovely B&B for one night so it will feel a little more like a break to recharge our batteries before the Christmas chaos begins.

So it is beginning to feel a lot like Christmas and I know that's a good thing despite the Grinchiness I go through every year.

More Perspective

Too much going on and not enough time or energy to do it these days. It doesn't help that it feels like its been raining for over a month. Those gorgeous sunny Indian summer days are a distant memory. Now it's day after day of grey, brown and damp. Hard not to be down with three boys trapped inside every afternoon and weekend. I find myself doing way too much yelling while they bicker, watch too much TV and spend hours, it seems, on line watching ski videos. The snow can't come soon enough.

S.T.B.T. (Stupid Teenage Boys Tricks)

Number One Son is stressed as his school crams what normally take three months into six weeks but they leave for Maine on December 1st to ski til Christmas so I have reminded him that no complaining will be tolerated at any time.

Number Two will be lucky if he survives until he leaves for a week in Vermont on December 7th. He is busy at school with classes, volleyball and dry land training two afternoons a week. He, unfortunately, is not the most organized and when the going gets tough he would rather give up than figure out how to manage everything. He is so talented and smart but he makes things so much harder on himself and everyone around him.

Number Three is plugging away, counting down the days til he gets to ski. Unfortunately due to his knee injury we and his coaches have decided that he should not go on the trip to Mont Tremblant with the team to train because of the risk of terrible conditions which could potentially cause more damage and ruin his entire season. So he will be home on his own while his brothers are away and now it appears I will be away for part of that time too but I am hoping he can stay with his buddy across the street while I head south to help my Other Half at a boat show. If it works out everyone might just be happy for a few days.

It's hard to keep things in perspective. Juggling time and money these days is all consuming. The business is on the verge of major growth which is wonderful and terrifying at the same time. My OH is up at dawn and into the new plant where everyone is working so hard to get things up and running again after the move. Scott leaves for Florida on Wednesday til Sunday for another show and my Dad & I will be representing the company at a fundraiser in the city Friday night, introducing out latest product to a very discriminating crowd. Saturday I hope to visit Ben's friend, H who was finally discharged from the hospital and will be able to stay at home and do his rehab as an out patient. He is making great strides in his recovery and we are all so thankful for that.

The team raising the flags at the new plant

Saturday night my Mum (aka Geeya) is hosting a grandchildren's sleepover with my boys, my sister and Mum's best friend's grandchildren. Wendy died 15 years ago and never met her two grand-daughters and so Mum promised that she would treat them as her own. Now their grandfather has been diagnosed with inoperable cancer and we don't know how long he has left so spending time together seems even more important. Of course, now that the kids are almost all teenagers the sleepover is a little more difficult with my boys less interested in hanging out with the girls but they all love going to "Geeya's" farm and maybe, fingers crossed, it won't rain and they won't be stuck inside the whole time.

The Grandchildren in their PJ's circa 2004

Perspective

It's hard to imagine what it would be like to hear that your child has a brain tumour after a simple trip to the eye doctor and within 48 hours you find yourself at the Hospital for Sick Children, a place you always knew was there if you needed it but never thought it would be your son being wheeled into surgery. I learned about my former neighbour and friend's son's diagnosis the morning he was to be operated on. It all happened so quickly and anyone who doubts our health care system should stop reading the horror stories that are constantly trumpeted both here and south of the border and listen to the positive and quiet ones that happen here every day whether it be a life-threatening situation or not.

D and her son, one of Ben's oldest friends, experienced the terror of a diagnosis, emergency surgery to remove a 4cm tumour close to the brain stem and a week to hear if it was cancerous. It was benign, thank goodness and he will make a full recovery. But, once again, it puts everything into perspective as my family struggles day to day with sibling rivalry, homework drama, teenage angst and a small business on the very of becoming not-so-small.

H and my eldest grew up side by side, first skiing and then across the street from one another for the last six years. He is my fourth son, another brother to my boys, acting like one for better or for worse. His nickname was "Eddie" after Leave it to Beaver's Eddie Haskell as he was unfailingly polite to adults but you always knew he was up to something. This year his family decided to move back to the city and H went off to boarding school while my son also left their local high school to attend a ski academy. Being boys, I don't think they communicated much over the summer or while Ben was away in Switzerland and we found out about the tumour and surgery the day Ben was arriving home. Of course, because of Facebook, all the kids knew about what H was going through and my worry about how to tell Ben was for not. I don't think he fully understood the seriousness of what was happening to H but he kept asking to read the updates that were being sent by a friend of H's mother. We all worried that H would lose his luxurious head of hair (he did not, the surgeon only had to make a small incision on the back of his head) and if it was cancer what would happen next. Luckily that's not something anyone has to worry about.

We went down to the hospital to see H on Sunday with another school friend and his Mum and had a short visit. H got out of bed to go for a walk with his buddies, trailing an IV pole and talked quite naturally and Ben, who had earlier asked me, if it was such a great hospital for kids, why they didn't have anything like a basketball net, now understood what it had all meant.

Soon H will be moved to a rehabilitation hospital and is expected to make a full recovery. He may or may not go back to boarding school in January and he won't be back on skis for a while but he will be fine and his very droll sense of humour has already started to return. Ben has made it through his first full week of classes after seven weeks in the Alps and life is settling down once again.

I haven't felt like blogging for a long time but it seemed like a natural thing to allow me to express my fears and feelings swirling around. I have said before that as the kids get older the challenges get more serious and it has never been truer. I have missed writing and even though I know my blog title has never been truer I think I might get back into a routine of writing. We'll see.

Summer so far ...

It's only week two for us but so far it hasn't been too painful. Packing up to head out to a friend's cottage this afternoon, I finally get to be someone else's guest for a few days! Then next week we are taking Numbers 2 & 3 on a boat delivery to CT with a stop at an amusement park. No. 1 is hard at work in summer school and seems to be liking the work at your own pace environment. They are given a unit per week to work on, ask any questions and then they are tested on Friday. He will start his English course at the end of August, reading Lord of the Flies and A Midsummer's Night Dream, both of which I actually have my original copy of, marginalia and all!

Here are a few of the the very few photos I have taken (all on my iPhone) mostly because my children run screaming every time I try to take a picture and also because I haven't bothered to drag my SLR camera along with me anywhere. But I am taking it with me on this trip and I will again next week, in hopes that there isn't a gaping hole in the photographic evidence of my children's pre-teen and teenage years which they will be sure to reprimand me later for.

Last Day of School Cookout at the Beach

A flower box makes the peeling paint of the boathouse look charming, don't you think?

Hard at work on a new bridge to our cabin

Mountain bike riding 

The Outsiders circa Grade 5

No. 3 Son with his ski racing idol who graciously allowed him to hold the Crystal Globe. 

The trophy for being the best ski racer on the planet!

How are things with you?

Only three weeks til school is out. I know that for many school is already over but up here we push it til the end of June and still it's too soon for me. And I am feeling exactly how Jen feels in her blog post "Worst End of School Year Mom Ever." Right now I have two on the bench and we're not sure what is going to be happening with either of them this summer. Number Two Son hurt a growth plate in his ankle jumping up to head the ball in soccer last week. A very common injury and we see an Orthopaedic specialist tomorrow and, fingers crossed, she will say that it just needs a few weeks to heal. He's on crutches and missing out on both soccer and rugby. The former he just started playing and was the sport in which, I thought, he was more likely to get hurt. So he's hanging around, spending too much time on various screens. He is supposed to start a Mother's Helper job looking after three little boys a couple of days a week when school gets out and has a trip out west with my Dad planned. Not sure how either of those things are going to work if he can't walk.

Number Three Son is still waiting to find out what is happening with his torn ACL. We finally got the appointment with the doctor who everyone says we need to see at the Hospital for Sick Children in Toronto next Monday. There are various scenarios, none of which make me feel any better.

1. He has to have surgery and it happens soon which is good because we want to give him as much time to recover before ski season but it's bad because then he won't be going to camp in August and will spend the whole summer on crutches or with a brace on his leg while it heals.
2. He can't have surgery because he is so young and they don't want to risk injuring the growth plates on the bones that they have to screw into to repair the ACL. Some people never have it repaired but those people don't live to ski race, run and play soccer. If we have to wait, which I'm hoping won't be the case, he will have to wear a brace for activities and probably won't be able to  do anything at the level he would like.
3. They decide to wait to do the surgery because either we can't get him in or he won't have enough time to recover before ski season which means he still will have to wear a brace and won't be able to compete full out which is the only way he knows how to ski.

None of the above are great scenarios but I guess we're lucky to have options, a great hospital relatively close by and don't have to worry about having to pay for it. Now if I can just figure out how to pay for No. 2's braces which go on in a month.

Number One Son is counting down the days til he gets out of grade 9 and can move on from a very disappointing first year of high school. He will have five days off after exams before his summer classes start. He will be in class 8:30am to 1:30pm and then spend the afternoon doing dry land training in preparation for ski season which will start for him at the end of August in Switzerland. He is going to a ski academy nearby and they train for six weeks over there then come home to work on school before they begin skiing again next winter. He is very excited and motivated and I only hope he stays healthy and strong (touch wood).

In the meantime, our business is in its busiest time and my Other Half is up and gone at dawn or on the road. He is stressed because business is booming and he is moving to a new facility which is all good but as he says, "It would be a lot easier to do without customers and employees to deal with."

Oh and we have our house on the market, have bought a lot to build on and are in the beginning stages of designing a new house. So while all of this is going on I have to keep this house in show-ready condition all the time and consequently I spend most of my time flushing toilets, picking up wet towels, cutting the lawn and cleaning the pool. Normal stuff made all the more stressful by the thought of someone coming by during the day when I have left the house without checking the above mentioned things.

Right, have I missed anything? Oh yes, my Dad announced on Mother's Day that he was getting married. To a woman he has been seeing for less than two months. 

How are things with you?

Little people, little problems. Bigger people, bigger problems.

I've heard this a lot lately and I've even repeated it myself to parents of younger kids. But no matter what the age and stage when you're in the middle of it, it all seems overwhelming so I was so glad to read a post by Kay at the MOAT blog. There are many blogs devoted to new parents and young children but they seem to peter out by the time their kids are into adolescence. I guess partly because so many of us are back at work full time or are just consumed by the endless chauffeuring, grocery shopping, meal planning and cooking for a herd of hungry tween and teenagers. And, as we all know, it doesn't get easier, just more complicated. No longer are play dates planned around the parents we want to hang out with, now we either spend time hanging around arenas, soccer pitches or gyms waiting. Picking up and dropping off at the movie theatre or a friend's where they are hanging out. I now know not to have my first glass of wine before all are home and accounted for. A couple of times I was caught about to settle in in front of the fire with my favourite Cab Sauv and a book when I remembered I was single parenting and there was one or more kids who still had to be picked up.

Kay's photo of the swings in the front yard of a house reminding her of the hours spent pushing one or another child took me back to simpler times. Our swing set/jungle gym which we got when our oldest was two is now primarily used by the boys as a launching pad for any number of STBT (Stupid Teenage Boy Tricks). She was at a panel discussion by Grade 8 parents and one of the things someone said was that their kids can't play with others until they can treat one another with respect. That's a tough one around our house right now. My boys are horrible to each other, the taunts, teasing and put downs are endless and they always hit the other where it hurst the most. They know one another's weak spots and go for it. So I came up with a new consequence - for every put down or negative comment they have to clean a toilet. Now since they are the ones who are responsible for the horrendous state of the toilets in the first place I feel this is a win-win situation and, although I can't imagine a time in the future when there is neither a dirty toilet to be cleaned or a negative comment free day, a MOB can dream.

As for the bigger problems that come with bigger kids we are just entering into that territory. School is the biggest issue and one that is going to unfortunately cost us money to deal with. Number One Son is most likely going to a private ski school next year and, as we have decided to move, the other two will be changing their schools as well. Number 2 has just realized that despite all the bullying issues he has dealt with over the past few years, it is still a little scary to think about changing schools for grade 8. I know it will be tough but hopefully in the end it will get us all where we want to be. They boys closer to the ski hill, their friends and busy on and off the snow. We all know that the key to keeping kids out of trouble is keeping them busy and while I haven't had to deal with our eldest partying I have heard from other parents that it has begun. Numbers 2 & 3 will probably more than make up for their introverted eldest brother who didn't even want to go to his own coed bowling birthday party which we hosted with three other families.

I really do believe and know that we are not doing our kids any favours by giving them everything and doing it all for them whether it's at school or at home and, as I have said a million times, I do not want to be the mother-in-law who my future daughters-in-law hate. Therefore, along with cleaning toilets, my boys will be doing laundry, vacuuming and generally helping to keep the house clean for any up-coming open houses or showings *shudder* because, here we go again. It's been six years in this house and right on schedule, we're moving.  No. 2 will not be getting the outrageously expensive camera he wants for his birthday but instead we will give him a bit of money and I have helped him to line up a mother's helper job for the summer so that he can earn and save money to buy the camera if he still wants it. No. 1 will be doing summer school to get a head start on grade 10 and No. 3 well, I'm still working on what to do with him but I do know that they will all be put to work clearing the lot once we get it in anticipation of building the house. Boys and chainsaws, what could possibly go wrong?

Lots to Catch Up On

Never a dull moment around here. Just got back from my first Girl's Getaway since, well, since I can't remember when and although I had a rather rude re-entry going from the beaches of the Bahamas to the ice rinks of southwest Ontario for a hockey tournament in less than 12 hours I have lots to look forward to in the coming months and lots to organize.

The beach at the Bahamas Beach Club in Abaco ... sigh

The home of our favourite drink in Green Turtle Cay

A plot with a view - Green Turtle Cay

A Sands in a sandal on the sand on Guana Cay

But back to reality, No. 1 Son played his last hockey game (except for his school team) and will now hang up his goalie pads and dedicate himself to ski racing. He wants to go to the National Ski Academy which fortunately is nearby and would help him balance his ski and school schedules. He was in class eight days from the beginning of this semester til March Break and doesn't appeared to have missed anything which has us worrying what the heck they are doing at the local high school. He's a good student but not that good. So the other option is for him to go to NSA, take a couple of summer courses, go to Europe to train for six weeks in the fall, back to school for a month then work on a course or two over the winter and finish up in the spring. We want to let him have a chance to follow his dream but not at the expense of school. My Other Half went through that when he was racing in high school and missed a lot and ultimately did not have the credits he needed for university. It all worked out for him in the end but the most important thing he learned from his experiences was that you want to have options when the skiing is over. 

Like father like son

The other big change that might be coming is that we are thinking of moving. Our lives seem to be focusing on the boys skiing and their friends at our club and over the course of the winter I spent far too much time driving the 20 minutes back and forth from the hill. We are hoping to buy a two acre lot in a development where the kids have lots of friends and build a house. We'll be sad to leave our friends here but it's not that far to come back and visit and if the boys are happier then I will be. 

And besides, my Pinterest Boards are already full of house ideas.

Saying Goodbye

My Surprise Christmas Present 2009

I spent most of last week up at the barn taking care of Jazz. We were riding Monday afternoon and I almost didn't go as I had dentist appointment which ran late due to the fact that they couldn't get my mouth frozen enough for me not to jump out of the chair every time the dentist tried to clean out an old filling. But after escaping the office I decided to go and luckily my friends Margot and Heather waited.

I remember thinking during the ride that Jazz was a little lethargic but I put it down to the heavy snow. He wasn't raring to go when we turned to gallop up the orchard rows but it was hard going. It wasn't a long ride and he didn't even work up much of a sweat so I quickly rubbed him down, put on his blanket and turned him out. Sometime that night he got colicky and Heather called the vet out. He had a large obstruction in his intestines and was given a painkiller in hopes he wouldn't roll and twist his gut. On Tuesday I went up to walk him, he had had a dose of mineral oil and the idea was to get him moving in hopes the obstruction would move as well. We walked up and down the road in the wind and snow. I talked, he listened and I told him he had to make an effort. It felt like when the boys were babies and everything depended on the next bowel movement - when, how big it was, the consistency? All the things mothers obsess over.

California Boy in the Snow

We walked morning and afternoon with a neighbour kindly doing the midday shift. He didn't seem to be in a lot of pain but that was probably the medication masking it. No BM Tuesday or Wednesday and he wasn't eating anything. Another visit from the vet on Wednesday and more mineral oil. A suggestion was made to take him down to the equine clinic at the University of Guelph for an ultra sound but at age 25 it wasn't as if we were going to put him through the trauma (not to mention the cost) of surgery if they were to find anything. So we kept walking and talking.

Thursday he passed an oily BM which was a sign that things were beginning to move internally and we were optimistic but Friday morning he spiked a fever which went steadily up all day, he was obviously in pain despite the meds and I spent my time in the stall kneeling in the stall with his head hanging down in my lap. He barely noticed when I moved or one of the dogs went by. I talked to him and told him spring was coming and soon we'd be riding in the orchards filled with apple blossoms and galloping through the fields.

At the Beach

Jazz was a California boy who had never seen snow until he retired to Canada which I know is backwards and being a Trotter he always had a bit of trouble forgetting his training and getting into a canter or gallop but if there was light, fluffy powder he do it without any prodding from me.

Saturday the fever had broken and he seemed in better spirits, we walked again and I kept talking about spring and telling him the sooner he got better the sooner he could get back outside with his friends.

Strangely, each time I left him last week I felt like I might be saying goodbye for the last time but on Saturday I was hopeful, his eyes seemed brighter and he was more alert so I wasn't worried when I couldn't go up on Sunday as the boys the Club Championship races all day and when I spoke to Heather Sunday evening she said he had eaten a little so she had let him outside for an hour and was cautiously optimistic as well.

On a Horse with a View

Monday morning was mayhem as we rushed to get Number One out the door to the bus to go to the Provincials and the other two off to school. The call came right in the middle of it all. Heather, who is one of the most down to earth, no nonsense people I know was in tears on the phone and when she told me that Jazz has died sometime in the night it was all I could do to thank her for everything and then hang up. Cam & Griff tried to comfort me but I just had to get them off to school so I could go up to the barn to say goodbye.

I won't get into all the terrible details of what it means when a 1200lb horse dies in an old barn in the middle of winter but that is the sort of stuff you have to deal with on top of all the emotion. Heather was incredible and Margot's husband, Charlie took charge and, with a neighbour, figured out the logistics. I am sad that Jazz can't be buried at the farm when he spent the last 11 years but he will always be there in spirit. After I said goodbye to him I went out into the paddock to be with the other horses, especially Molly & Casper, Margot & Heather's horses, with whom we always rode.

Casper & Jazz

We always joked that riding together was our therapy, better than shopping and easier on the liver than drinking. I spent Monday afternoon putting together an album of photos from the last three years of riding together. Jazz and I were very lucky to find each other at this stage in our lives. Riding gave me a sense of peace and as I once said to Margot, "it feeds my soul." I've never had anything else like that in my life, I don't run or paint or do much of anything else but riding and being with Jazz gave me something that I didn't get from anyone else.

I don't know if I will find another horse to share that with again. I'm not even sure if I want to, at least not right now.

Jazz King 1988 - 2013

Dispatches from a Parallel Universe

Number Three Son rips it up on a slalom course last weekend.

So far, since Christmas, my boys have spent more time on the snow than

 at school thanks to crazy race schedules and snow days which only ever fall on days they are actually supposed to be at school. And, as we are testing our not-terribly-well-researched parenting theory which states that participating in sports can be as important for raising well-adjusted, responsible and healthy children as attending school regularly, so far so good. Number One Son survived the week from hell writing four exams which were screwed up by two of the afore mentioned snow days, hockey play offs and four days of CanAm ski races. He passed his exams and his report card was okay but could have been better. He is still getting away with minimal effort and we are looking into other options for Grade 10 that will help him balance school and racing.

Today is another snow day which means since Monday was a holiday and sons Numbers One & Two will only see their teachers for one day. Enough time to pick up homework and hand in what they were supposed to do last week. Thankfully their teachers have so far been supportive. Even the four that No. 1 has only seen twice since the semester started. It's hard to know if this is the right thing for them. They are so focused on racing and do work (sort of) to keep up at school since if they don't there's no skiing. And No. 3 has been so good about going to school when his brothers are on the hill that I have been tempted to reward him with missing more school. How crazy is that? I think the scary thing is that they are still doing well despite not being in class which makes me wonder what the heck  is going on for the six hours they are supposed to be there?

As far results go, No.1 is still plugging away and is his own worst enemy as far as playing a head game with himself. He is stellar in training but then over thinks every race. No. 2 is coming along, winning races against his own age group as is No. 3 which makes it hard for their older brother who spends more time working out, training and watching ski videos than anyone. I keep hoping it will all come together for him because he deserves it but who knows? Of course, so much of success in ski racing depends on not getting hurt (touch wood) and  persevering when everyone else gives up.

I have been reading an excellent blog by Erin Thys Morgan at www.racerex.com (sorry, can't seem to do liks on my iPad very easily) and especially her post about sportsmanship really hit home because, after all, the reason we are spending all this money, letting them miss all this school and freezing to death standing at the bottom of race courses is to give them life lessons to apply in work, relationships and everything else going forward. 

My toes are a tappin'

My Great Books of 2012

Better late than never, here is a list of the books that I loved reading over the past year. There were a few duds but I'll save those for another list because, kind of like reading terrible restaurant reviews, I love reading about books people didn't like. Of course, everyone has a different opinion which makes it all the more interesting and you never know whether you'll agree with them or not.

I read mostly fiction but the two non fiction books, Quiet and Cleaning House, were excellent and so relevant to my own life. I wasn't very good about keeping up with my Goodreads reviews but fortunately lots of other people have. I find Goodreads to keep track of what I've read and for suggestions form other people.

So, without further ado, my Top 10 List for 2012:

1. Flight Behaviour by Barbara Kingsolver (my all-time favourite author and climate change warrior)
2. The Chaperone by Laura Moriarty (lovely story set in the roaring twenties)
3. The Summer Before the Storm by Gabriele Wills (a fun find by a local self-published author)
4. Quiet by Susan Cain (particularly appropriate since I am not)
5. The Age of Miracles by Karen Thomson Walker (a YA book that satisfied my love for all things post-Apolcalypic)
6. The Weird Sisters by Eleanor Brown (funny, literary and sisterly)
7. Coppermine by Keith Ross Leckie (an historical Who Dunnit set in the North)
8. The Paris Wife by Paula McLain (Hemmingway, larger than life from his wife's point of view)
9. Clean House by Kay Wills Wyma (how to save your children from a pervasive sense of entitlement)
10. Rules of Civility by Amor Towles (took me two tries to get into it)

What were your favourites of the past year?

Snow Dog on a Snow Day

A few Random Tuesday thoughts:

• Exams begin for No. 1 Son on Friday so it's actually helpful that today is a Snow Day and he can actually study in between ski training and hockey practice.
• My Other Half had a very successful boat show, seems the economy is finally turned around enough for people to willingly open their wallets. Now if we can just get the water levels back up in the Bay so all those shiny new boats don't end up on the rocks.
• I'm helping out a friend who has launched a wonderful line of clothing for we "women of a certain age" Take a look at Helene Clarkson Designs.

Christmas Reading Wish List

I have been making a list and checking it twice and I'm going find out what's naughty or nice. Here's my Christmas Reading Wish List thanks to CBC's Canada Reads, Book Riot and a few friends recommendations on Goodreads.


Mr. Penumbra’s 24-Hour Bookstore by Robin Sloan

Ready Player One by Ernest Cline

Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed

Where’d You Go, Bernadette? by Maria Semple

Away by Jane Urquhart

Indian Horse by Richard Wagamese

February by Lisa Moore

Two Solitudes by Hugh McClennan

The Age of Hope by David Bergen

If you have any other suggestions please let me know.

My New Favourite Song

Not Quite Wordless Wednesday

Anne at The Red Chronicles posted about a new production which brings together one of my favourite children's authors and theatre groups in Toronto. I don't think I'll get to see this but I love knowing that Dennis Lee's poetry is alive and well and making yet another generation laugh.

And from my brother who likes to poke fun at me and my all-consuming on-linedness.

And, of course, a few Instagram shots from the weekend

Clinging to Fall

Slowly sinking 

Cartwheeling

Bubble Brothers

Friday Fragments

• My lovely friend Alexa Reigh of the fantastic blog Your Inner Gosling  introduced me to the Vancouver indie band Said the Whale and their video which is so cute although a wee bit creepy at times. But creepy in a good way. 
• 
  

• My eldest son left for Colorado this morning, lucky guy and made his first solo flight due to my OH screwing up the dates he was flying. Luckily I was printing out all his paperwork on Monday and noticed that the flight down was booked for Thursday not Friday with the rest of his ski team. I panicked, called my OH who said that someone else messed up. To which I replied, "Doesn't matter whose fault it is, he's going to get to Denver 24 hours before everyone else." I emailed an old friend to have her on standby to pick Ben up at the airport on Thursday and bring him back on Friday to meet the rest of the group but was actually able to switch his flight and unbelievably, it didn't cost me anything, they even owe me $30! The only down side was that he was on his own but would meet the rest at the other end. And he wasn't alone going through security and customs in Toronto as my OH had to head back down to Florida for another boat show and he timed his flight to leave just after Ben's so they could go through together.

• I went to my younger sons' school Remembrance Day assembly which brings me to tears every year. We have a military base nearby and there is always an active soldier who speaks to the kids. This year there were only three WWII veterans attending this year and I guess soon enough there will be none. Unfortunately there are still far too many younger veterans who can represent our country's military.

• I love the Lest We Forget movement which asks people not to put up their Christmas decorations until after the 11th. I've never been much of a early glitter and tinsel girl so our decorations don't go up until the first week of December and I was thrilled when I heard that customer complaints forced Shoppers Drug Mart to turn off the Christmas music they began playing as soon as the Halloween candy was off the shelves. They are waiting until Monday to start Jingle Bell Rocking although they have already Decked the Halls, of course.

• Better get my act together to face the weekend on my own with Sons Number Two & Three. 

My Operating System is Out of Date

Barbara Kingsolver has always been one of my favourite authors from her early novels like The Bean Trees to a collection of essays on motherhood in High Tide in Tuscon and her foray into non-fiction in Animal Vegetable Miracle but I stumbled across the website The Daily Good and a Convocation address she gave in 2008 and it really resonated with middle-aged me.

"Because of your age." It's okay now to deck out and turn up as the village idiot. Hooray! I am old enough. How does this happen? Over a certain age, do you become invisible? There is considerable evidence for this in movies and television. But mainly, I think, you're not expected to know the rules. Everyone knows you're operating on software that hasn't been updated for a good while."


That just about sums up how I am feeling these days, like my software needs an upgrade. Of course the rest of the address goes much deeper into where our world is headed and she is rather prophetic seeing what has been happening in the last few months.

Read, Purge, Post, Repeat

This weekend I attacked the kitchen after being inspired by The Nester and Pancakes & French Fries. The former posted about not waiting for "the next house" to do things and she is so right. I am guilty of this big time. When we moved out of the city we doubled the size of our house and have the most gorgeous piece of property. Of course, I hate the pool, but we have a pool! And I hate our eighties grotty bathrooms with the fibreglass built-ins but we have four and I don't have to share mine with the boys so at least there is one seat that I never have to check before I sit down. I hate the fact that when we have a party our kitchen really isn't big enough to hold everyone and they'll never move into the rest of the house but it's bigger than the last one. I joke that all I need is 4 more feet off the back of the house but really, why?

Jules at Pancakes & French Fries has been doing The 31 Days of William Morris Project, you know the one inspired from the quotation, "Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful." I find that living up to that may be a little difficult living in a house of boys (although I think she has two boys herself) and I am definitely not up to 31 days of it but I did do some rearranging in the kitchen which will drive my OH nuts when he gets home next week, but it now makes so much more sense, to me. And then I tackled the pantry closet and purged a few things so that I can see what all is in there and I don't buy any more chicken broth. It was very satisfying and this morning when I made my toast and there was the bread, right next to the toaster. Wow, what a concept. Next up, I will bake something and not spill all the dry ingredients across the flour as I move from the flour container on one side of the room to the mixer on the other side. Only took me five and a half years to figure that one out. I know for those purists out there, my best friend included, I have way too much stuff on my counters but I do use it all, all the time and if we are having people over I just put it in grocery bins and stick it out in the garage. Et voilà, clean countertops. Of course, this is key as everyone is crammed in the kitchen and need places to put their drinks. 

Of course the purging had me scattering things all over the house in my typical method of operation. Rearranging the kitchen counters lead me to the pantry to move the most opened tins closer to the can opener (hello tuna and tomatoes), then to the laundry room where my cookbooks are and debating the merits of print in the age of iPads and Epicurious (sorry eighties Entertaining Martha) and then to the  dining room sideboard where I took out some serving pieces to put on the now-freed-up shelf space. I even went down to the basement to retrieve the crock pot (where I did avert my eyes in the Boy Cave as that is an area that requires my undivided attention some day in the future) so I now have no less of an excuse to not meal-plan.

As for the rest of the house, I also read Fieldstone Hill Design's post on Words of Reason where she talked about finding words to describe your home. Here's what I came up with:

Comfortable

Cozy

Interesting 

Calm

Natural

Classic

Textured

Timeless

Then I asked myself these questions:

1. How do I want my home to feel? Calm and natural. 
2. How do I want my home to look? Interesting, cozy but uncluttered. I don't want it to look overdone.
3. What purpose do I want my home to serve? To welcome everyone from my boys hanging out with their buddies to grown up dinner party guests or a big group of kids and adults together.

I'm drawn to texture like cable knit woolen throws, linen slipcovers and rough wooden surfaces. I love patina whether on wood or metal. I like clean lines, white kitchens but with the warmth of wood accents. I want things to be classic and timeless not trendy. I hate matchy-matchy (although my teenage-self dreamed of coordinated bedroom suits). You can see my Pinterest choices which are surprisingly consistent even though I keep thinking that I need some funky and eclectic Anthropologie-like pieces with lots of crazy colours, although I did let two of my sons choose the colours to paint their rooms. So finally, after five years of the boring beige I chose when we moved in, they now have wild and crazy colours on their walls.

Number Three chose bright yellow and flame, the colours of the Canadian Ski Team Downhill suits, of course and as horrified as I was initially I love how it looks. He has covered the walls in posters of his ski racing heroes (and a few of himself), an old Swiss flag that belonged to his Dad hangs over his bed. The whole thing works, it's happy and energetic, the things I hope my youngest son will always be.

Number Two chose lime green and bright blue, not for any particular reason and he says only after did he realize that the colours match the ancient IKEA duvet cover that is on his bed (duh?) But again, I have to admit, it looks great. He isn't as into decorating so he still has a few posters and frames waiting to be hung. But it is also energetic and vibrant like him.

I like things in my home to have a story, not one told by a decorator but a story that's our own like that both our pine corner cabinet and sideboard came from my Dad's advertising agency's boardroom, he collected early Canadian pine both at home and for his office and we have arranged each house around where that corner cabinet fits. The paintings on our walls were not chosen to go with a colour scheme but rather my OH and I have chosen each piece to represent a part of our lives from the sublime - a water colour of Maine and the collection of landscapes by his grandmother to the ridiculous - the "Doors of Hayhurst" poster my mother made by taking photos of all the doors our family has walked in and out of over the years (outhouse included). 

Not sure how to really finish up this post, it's one of the longest I've written in a while and I did try to document all my hard work but you wouldn't really see any difference in the Before and After pics, still just a lot of shelves with a lot of stuff placed on them with no rhyme or reason. So I am hoping that that my OH makes it home safely from Florida (he is planning to leave tomorrow afternoon and has to drive straight through all Hurricane Sandy affected in-land areas and they are forecasting two feet of snow in the mountains) and unlike his sons he better will notice, admire and appreciate all my hard work.