Due to the economy ...

With Christmas bills already piling up higher than the snow banks around here I am seriously considering sitting my children down and saying, "Due to the economy we are going to have to let one of you go." Then I would continue with, "It's not that any one of you in particular hasn't been pulling your weight, in fact none of you have. So this isn't personal, it is purely a financial decision based on the following data."

Who has the most future earning potential? ie. who will most likely to be able to support me in my old age in the style to which I would like to become accustomed.

Number One, if your dream of being a goalie in the NHL comes true you may be my ticket. Number Two, if you use your charm and good looks wisely you could marry well and I would be very happy with my own "granny wing" in your mansion. Number Three, well as my friend who met you moments after your birth once said, "He'll either end up in jail or in a corner office somewhere." So you are a 50/50 split.

Who is likely to cost us the most in educational fees?

Well, since none of you appear to be a scholar this is a tough one. Number One you are a good student but we are banking on a hockey scholarship to an American university so you're okay. Number Two, haven't really shown much aptitude for academia but given your propensity for staying in your jammies for as long as possible combined with a predilection for eating Kraft Dinner morning, noon and night, maybe you are the most likely to stay in a post graduate programme well into your prime earning years. Number Three, after our Grade 2 Parent/Teacher interview this past week, I'm thinking you are a safe bet for the vocational stream where you can take things apart and hopefully learn how to rebuild them. And having a plumber or electrician in the family is alot more useful than a PhD these days.

Who is likely to cost us the most in hospital and orthodontist's fees?

Now I know I live in the land of universal health care but still, did you know that getting a fiberglass as opposed to an old-fashioned plaster cast is extra? And don't get me started on braces. So, Number One, you have already broken one leg, that's your quota and I think goalies are less likely to get smushed in a game than the other players. Number Two, if you don't stop sucking your thumb immediately and not just for the month that you are at summer camp I don't want to think about the pain, I mean cost of your braces. And Number Three, well let's just say you are never getting a motorcycle until you are out from under my roof.

Who is most likely to win it big?

Well, Number One I know you are not a risk taker, you are the typical eldest child, cautious and careful so I don't see you hitting the slots any time soon. Number Two, you have the most likely to become addicted to anything (see thumb sucking above) so the chances of you hitting it big are good but also the chances of you blowing it all right away on another horse race or poker game is 100%. Number Three, you are a risk taker but far more likely to do so in real estate from the way you play Monopoly and I'm okay with living in a hotel on Park Place.

So let's see, to tally up the points, we have Number One Son with three for and one against. Number Two, you have one for and three against and Number Three you have one for and a couple split down the middle.

Now let's go over the severance package we will be offering.

You will have out-placement services to help you update your CV and look for another family. We will provide references along the lines of , "Having known the candidate since conception ..." And we will offer a pay out of a dollar for every grade achieved with an additional loonie for every year in the family (hmmm, Number One's is looking more expensive to let go than keep on)

Now if one of you were to take early retirement from the family we would be happy to give you the package but you are on your own in finding a new position elsewhere. I realize that some of you have already been looking elsewhere in light of recent cutbacks and downsizing. The fish were the first to go what with electricity costs to keep their tank warm and we have downgraded from large to small crickets for the gecko. So if you have found a comparable position please feel free to clear out your room and sports equipment from the garage. Security will escort you from the building and make sure that you haven't absconded with any of your brothers' DS games or hockey cards.

In these tough times tough choices have to be made but we feel certain that we will be able to make the best possible decision for all the parties involved. Just look at it this way - if one of you opts out, he can change his birth order position from say, middle or youngest to oldest in another family or you can always play it safe and make a lateral move and remain at your current level.

We wanted to make you all aware of our current thinking and will be getting back to you soon so that we know where our Christmas dollars should be focused. And of course, we will let Santa know of your change of address ASAP.