"Our life is frittered away by detail...simplify, simplify." - Henry David Thoreau

I know I said "blog like no one is reading" but it's nice to know these people are

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Due to the economy ...

With Christmas bills already piling up higher than the snow banks around here I am seriously considering sitting my children down and saying, "Due to the economy we are going to have to let one of you go." Then I would continue with, "It's not that any one of you in particular hasn't been pulling your weight, in fact none of you have. So this isn't personal, it is purely a financial decision based on the following data."

Who has the most future earning potential? ie. who will most likely to be able to support me in my old age in the style to which I would like to become accustomed.

Number One, if your dream of being a goalie in the NHL comes true you may be my ticket. Number Two, if you use your charm and good looks wisely you could marry well and I would be very happy with my own "granny wing" in your mansion. Number Three, well as my friend who met you moments after your birth once said, "He'll either end up in jail or in a corner office somewhere." So you are a 50/50 split.

Who is likely to cost us the most in educational fees?

Well, since none of you appear to be a scholar this is a tough one. Number One you are a good student but we are banking on a hockey scholarship to an American university so you're okay. Number Two, haven't really shown much aptitude for academia but given your propensity for staying in your jammies for as long as possible combined with a predilection for eating Kraft Dinner morning, noon and night, maybe you are the most likely to stay in a post graduate programme well into your prime earning years. Number Three, after our Grade 2 Parent/Teacher interview this past week, I'm thinking you are a safe bet for the vocational stream where you can take things apart and hopefully learn how to rebuild them. And having a plumber or electrician in the family is alot more useful than a PhD these days.

Who is likely to cost us the most in hospital and orthodontist's fees?

Now I know I live in the land of universal health care but still, did you know that getting a fiberglass as opposed to an old-fashioned plaster cast is extra? And don't get me started on braces. So, Number One, you have already broken one leg, that's your quota and I think goalies are less likely to get smushed in a game than the other players. Number Two, if you don't stop sucking your thumb immediately and not just for the month that you are at summer camp I don't want to think about the pain, I mean cost of your braces. And Number Three, well let's just say you are never getting a motorcycle until you are out from under my roof.

Who is most likely to win it big?

Well, Number One I know you are not a risk taker, you are the typical eldest child, cautious and careful so I don't see you hitting the slots any time soon. Number Two, you have the most likely to become addicted to anything (see thumb sucking above) so the chances of you hitting it big are good but also the chances of you blowing it all right away on another horse race or poker game is 100%. Number Three, you are a risk taker but far more likely to do so in real estate from the way you play Monopoly and I'm okay with living in a hotel on Park Place.

So let's see, to tally up the points, we have Number One Son with three for and one against. Number Two, you have one for and three against and Number Three you have one for and a couple split down the middle.

Now let's go over the severance package we will be offering.

You will have out-placement services to help you update your CV and look for another family. We will provide references along the lines of , "Having known the candidate since conception ..." And we will offer a pay out of a dollar for every grade achieved with an additional loonie for every year in the family (hmmm, Number One's is looking more expensive to let go than keep on)

Now if one of you were to take early retirement from the family we would be happy to give you the package but you are on your own in finding a new position elsewhere. I realize that some of you have already been looking elsewhere in light of recent cutbacks and downsizing. The fish were the first to go what with electricity costs to keep their tank warm and we have downgraded from large to small crickets for the gecko. So if you have found a comparable position please feel free to clear out your room and sports equipment from the garage. Security will escort you from the building and make sure that you haven't absconded with any of your brothers' DS games or hockey cards.

In these tough times tough choices have to be made but we feel certain that we will be able to make the best possible decision for all the parties involved. Just look at it this way - if one of you opts out, he can change his birth order position from say, middle or youngest to oldest in another family or you can always play it safe and make a lateral move and remain at your current level.

We wanted to make you all aware of our current thinking and will be getting back to you soon so that we know where our Christmas dollars should be focused. And of course, we will let Santa know of your change of address ASAP.


  1. Genius :) I've often had 2 thoughts along the similar lines, 1) we have too many kids but I don't know which one I'd give up and 2) at least there are four of them and chances are one of them will be willing to take us in when we're older!

  2. I have often been quoted as saying that I hope one of my boys marries an orphan so that I get to be the "mother" of the bride and also so I know I won't have to share my granny flat with anyone.

  3. Love your comment above, as well as the post, of course! Isn't it funny how the birth order makes personality traits so strong? My three are so similar...

    Only all THREE of mine are doomed to braces.

    The horror.... the horror.... the horror....

  4. So funny! I love it. And the one who may be in jail or a corner office? We have one of those too, but I always say he'll either be the president of a terrorist. Hang in there.

    Stopping by from SITS.

    Alex aka Ma What's For Dinner?

  5. Just today I saw a Christmas ornament/sign that said, "Dear Santa, Please leave presents. Take my brother." - and then read this!
    Excellent post - well done.
    But, hey, they may surprise you!

  6. I am sure that you could sell a child somewhere to finance the others! LOL

    I was afraid that you were going to say because of the economy you were going to quit blogging! Whew!

  7. Quit blogging? Never, it's the only thing that keeps me out of trouble. Sort of.

  8. Hilarious!

    Just found you via Otin's blog... and I will definitely be back!

  9. Visiting from SITS! Cute blog! And your comment above your followers just cracked me up!


Related Posts Widget for Blogs by LinkWithin