Still Stuck in a Rut - Part One

I have no passion, no goal, no bucket list. I react to life, I am not proactive. I organize and schedule and arrange my families lives but I do nothing of my own. My husband followed his passion and we moved here. I work with friends who followed their passions and started a cheese shop but I have done none of this myself. I have a horse but I can't muster the passion to ride him very often because it take times away from my family. I ski but it gets boring very quickly. I don't exercise regularly. I cook but in spurts. We don't entertain. I don't have To Do Lists which I can tackle around the house although there are a million things that I could be doing. I know I feel better when I do try to get something done but I can't kick start myself into doing anything. I went snow shoeing and felt great, once. I don't walk the dog, I don't volunteer. I eat, I watch TV, I barely even read anymore. I haven't been blogging and when I do, truly, no one is reading.

I know its January and this is when I usually feel this way but I don't even suffer from great bouts of depression that might require counselling. I don't have dramatic breakdowns or spectacular meltdowns. I fight with my kids, yell at them and make myself and them promises every day that it won't happen again. And it does, day after day. And they are not bad kids, they are so good. Good at school, good in sports but I can't even be passionate about that, pushing them to do better, being one of those parents who expects their kids to make it to the Olympics.

I love my husband and we do experience passion together every once in a while which I know is normal for two people who have been together for over 25 years, I think we do okay in that department.

I love design, reading about what other people are doing on a shoe string, seeing pictures of what a difference a can of white paint can make. I hate the clutter in my house. I hate the bathrooms. I want room for my books where I can see them. I hate that we started fixing up the basement for the boys and then stopped and I haven't finished because my husband has no time and I can't seem to do it myself.

I need to make a list for each week and do at least one thing on it. So here goes:

1. Clean out the dry sink
2. Organize the shelves by my desk so I can get at them
3. Replace the desk in the upstairs hall with the bookshelf from Griffen's room. (He doesn't need a desk)
4. Put up the shelves and hang the TV in the basement.
5. Print out pictures and put them in the frames I bought for the basement
6. Put up shelves in Ben's room.
7. Move the woodpile (get kids to help)