I have to get ready for eight 7 year olds coming over for Number Three Son's birthday party tonight. It was supposed to be an outdoor movie night with the screen hanging from the play set and the boys bringing their sleeping bags and staying up until after dark. We were going to BBQ, swim and hang in the backyard but the weather has turned and although it has stopped raining it is only supposed to be 12C (whatever that is in Fahrenheit, it is too cold to sit around on the ground) So Plan B is take them to the theatre to see UP, not my favourite kind of party but I don't think we have a choice.
Not in a great place right now as a mother or even as a human being. I have lost my way now that all three boys are in school full time. Number Three Son made the transition from Kindergarten to Grade One with ease, as did all the boys when we moved out of the city to our new small town home almost two years ago. My Other Half made the transition from jet-setting marketing executive to small business-owner, working from home with no apparent problem (or at least not too many)
Me? Well let's just say, I am a work in progress like so many. I can't say I am a teacher anymore because I have been out of the classroom since Number One was born 11 years ago. I help out with the business but that is his dream not mine and I can't say I am a writer because all I am writing are grocery lists and this blog and in my mind it doesn't count until someone pays me to write and it is printed on paper. Of course blogging has been a great way to get the creative juices flowing again but it is too isolating for me, I need people to talk to not just people on line (no offense, I love reading everyone's posts and the comments). I keep waiting for lightning to strike me with some brilliant idea of what I should do but I have a feeling it could be a long wait. In the meantime I have to figure it out or my family is going to suffer. A happy mother makes for a happy family and right now I am not happy as a mother or in general.
The life of a SAMH or WAHM is betwixt and between. You feel guilty that you are not contributing to society as a paid member of the workforce and you feel guilty for feeling like you aren't doing enough for your family because you are supposed to have all this time. People wonder what I do all day and I can't even come up with a reasonable answer. What do I do all day? Everything I do - from voluntering at the school, to the laundry to planting a vegetable garden and composting is in the hopes of raising well-educated, clean-cut, green-aware, responsible members of society. But what if they end as computer-obsessed, socially-challenged boy/men still living at home. Or worse - high-powered, money-grubbing corporate-types who never call their mother?
I'm sorry this post is all over the place, much like me right now, but I know that so many of you out there have felt the same way. Any suggestions?